Inoculation

ME: I think I should figure out a way to put that online.

MOM: No! I don't want to go viral!

Deep Throat

*holding her throat*

MOM: What's that thing with the funny name...? UVULA! That's it. You always get it confused with vulva.

ME: Well, I don't.

Field of Shattered Dreams

*looking through the on-screen guide for a movie*

MOM: Fandango! That sounds... Kevin Costner?! I don't think so.

Déjà Vu

(After telling Mom about this blog and reading entries back to her, reminding her of what was said)

MOM: (laughs) That's right! Yes!

ME: Of course it is, Mom. These things actually happened.

Resistance is Futile

MOM: My computer's broken.

ME: How is it broken?

MOM: When I went to bed last night, I did the thing where you let it do updates and shut itself off.

ME: Ok. And?

MOM: It's still doing it.

ME: Well, technically, that can happen. It depends on what it is updating.

MOM: It says it is still "installing 7 of 9.."

ME: Oh, that's different. Your computer has been assimilated by the Borg.

Men Wear Girdles, Too

MOM: Which one is Ron Paul?

ME: Second from the right on the end.

MOM: I thought Ron Paul was a transvestite or something. Is that what he looks like out of makeup?

ME: That's Ron Paul, not RuPaul, Mom.

MOM: I thought it was odd that they would be debating a transvestite. I was sure it had to be a joke.

Mom and the Funky Bunch

MOM: I didn't know Mark Wahlberg was in that. What a nice little... treat!

iMom v1.0 Beta

MOM: Dammit, what's an "app"?!

A Rose By Any Other Name

MOM: Oh he's adorable! What's his name?

HER FRIEND: George - after my [late] father.

MOM: Oh that's nice. So what will you actually call him?

HER FRIEND: Um... George.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

MOM (rambling, about her male dog): That Buddy... he's always looking for another penis...

Jim Cantore's Ears Are Kindy Pointy

(while watching tornado coverage on The Weather Channel)

MOM: This is the Weather Channel? I thought you were watching science fiction.

ME: Why?

MOM: 'TorCon'? That sounds like Vulcan.

Anything Else Is Just Gravy

ME: Well, [the doctor] said you'd be perky [after taking her new medication].

MOM: TURKEY?

ME: PERKY. Will you put in your damned hearing aids already! Why would you be a 'turkey'?

MOM: I don't know.

Arms Wide Open

NEWS V.O.: Tonight on 12 News... Police may have captured the flasher in Tempe that has been exposing himself to women...

MOM: Rats. I haven't seen him yet.

Rerun, She Watched

MOM: Ooh! [So-and-so]! I haven't seen him in eons!

ME: Well, he's been dead for 16 years. He hasn't had much to say.

MOM: Really?

ME: Mom, these aren't *new* episodes of "Murder, She Wrote."

Special Guest Star

ME: So who got fired on "The Apprentice"?

MOM: Well, they killed Osama bin Laden...

ME: What? Damn, that show is getting harder.

Political Correction

MOM: Oh that's right! They wouldn't be 'African-American' if they were European!

Objects in the Mirror

MOM: (watching TV commercial) I've never seen bras like that in a store... not at THAT size...

Orthodontia Anglia

ME: Such weird looking people in this movie.

MOM: They're English.

Stunning

FAMILY FEUD HOST: What does a mugger hope you don't have?

MOM: A phaser!

Reach Out but Don't Touch Me

(After giving me her theory as to why Arnold and Maria split up...)

ME: Well, did you talk to Maria today?

MOM: No, she wouldn't take my calls.

Absolutely.

MOM: This is the way we are. It happens to be FABULOUS. But this is the way we are.

The Newlywed Game

CARNIE WILSON: If you were a caricaturist, which part of your husband's body would you exaggerate?

WIFE: His feet. They are big enough to be flippers.

CARNIE WILSON: That's not always a bad thing, if you know what I mean! (audience laughter) Do you know what I mean?

WIFE: [emphatic] OH yeah. (audience laughter)

MOM: Well, I don't know what they mean.

ME: I'll tell you when you're older.

Full-Bodied Conditioner

ME: (after watching 17 Again) That was better than I thought it would be. I've only ever seen Zac Efron in Hairspray.

MOM: They remade Hairspray?

ME: Yes.

MOM: [blank look]

ME: You remember. John Travolta played Edna.

MOM: Oh, that's right. I thought you meant Shampoo.

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I made it out of clay...

Watching GSN commercial for some dreidel record.

MOM: That was something that never really took off.

ME: What didn't?

MOM: Dreidels.

ME: What do you mean? They've been playing it for hundreds of years.

MOM: Really?

ME: We're just not Jewish.

MOM: Oh.

Bad Arnold! Bad! Bad! Bad!

MOM: The more I think about it, the more I want to slap that Arnold!

ME: Arnold? Who's Arnold?

MOM: Schwarzenegger!

Is that a Winkie in your pocket?

ME: Did I ever tell you about [my friend named] Winkie?

MOM: Yes, I think so. I think I had a winkie story, too. I am pretty sure we shared winkies.