Uh-huh.

After telling Mom a story about a friend...

ME: And he's so funny, and SO smart.

MOM: And a little bit strange.

That Face...

While learning to use Facebook.

MOM: I was telling [my friend] about "Dogface".

ME: "Dogface"? You haven't told *me* about "Dogface".

MOM: What's it called?

ME: What are you talking about?

MOM: The thing with the dogs on Facebook.

ME: Dogbook.

MOM: Oh! I hope I didn't tell her it was "Dogface".

Oh Yeah. That Guy.

ME: Guess who I heard is splitting up?

MOM: Oh no! Not What's-His-Name!

Mom to English Dictionary

As many of our parents do, my mother has her own words or expressions for certain things, usually titles of films, brand names, and the like. Here is a short sample.

Children of the Corn = The Cornpeople
Doctor Who episode, "The Waters of Mars" = "The Waterpeople"
V = The V People
An Officer and a Gentleman = A Gentleman and a Friend
Circle K = Special K
Safeway = Shop-Rite
Shake n Run Beverage Mix = Run n Go
Freema Agyeman of Doctor Who = The Cop on Torchwood (she actually only guest-starred on 2 episodes)
Michelina's = Michaelangelo's
DVD = disk
Old Dominion University/ODU = The OD
BBC America = BBC/The British Channel
Law & Order: SVU = Law & Order: SUV
Bill Cosby = Bill Cawsby (like Bing Crosby)
The Cosby Show = Cawsby or The Cawsby Show (usually the former)
Star Trek: Voyager = That One With Janeway Who Was Mean to Sam Malone on Cheers (I kid you not; she holds it against her)
Commander Riker, "Number One" = "Number Two" (poop)

Fresh from the Garden State

ME: That was delicious.

MOM: It was JERSEYlicious! ... I saw that ... wait ... what IS that?

Get a Tissue

MOM: A "sniveling suspect"? Does that mean he has a runny nose?

ME: That would be a sniffling suspect.

Fashion Plates

ME: I am not a fan of wearing a shirt and tie to work.

MOM: Well, don't make appointments to see anyone until Fridays, and then just tell them it's "casual Friday".

Inoculation

ME: I think I should figure out a way to put that online.

MOM: No! I don't want to go viral!

Deep Throat

*holding her throat*

MOM: What's that thing with the funny name...? UVULA! That's it. You always get it confused with vulva.

ME: Well, I don't.

Field of Shattered Dreams

*looking through the on-screen guide for a movie*

MOM: Fandango! That sounds... Kevin Costner?! I don't think so.

Déjà Vu

(After telling Mom about this blog and reading entries back to her, reminding her of what was said)

MOM: (laughs) That's right! Yes!

ME: Of course it is, Mom. These things actually happened.

Resistance is Futile

MOM: My computer's broken.

ME: How is it broken?

MOM: When I went to bed last night, I did the thing where you let it do updates and shut itself off.

ME: Ok. And?

MOM: It's still doing it.

ME: Well, technically, that can happen. It depends on what it is updating.

MOM: It says it is still "installing 7 of 9.."

ME: Oh, that's different. Your computer has been assimilated by the Borg.

Men Wear Girdles, Too

MOM: Which one is Ron Paul?

ME: Second from the right on the end.

MOM: I thought Ron Paul was a transvestite or something. Is that what he looks like out of makeup?

ME: That's Ron Paul, not RuPaul, Mom.

MOM: I thought it was odd that they would be debating a transvestite. I was sure it had to be a joke.

Mom and the Funky Bunch

MOM: I didn't know Mark Wahlberg was in that. What a nice little... treat!

iMom v1.0 Beta

MOM: Dammit, what's an "app"?!

A Rose By Any Other Name

MOM: Oh he's adorable! What's his name?

HER FRIEND: George - after my [late] father.

MOM: Oh that's nice. So what will you actually call him?

HER FRIEND: Um... George.

Swing Low, Sweet Chariot

MOM (rambling, about her male dog): That Buddy... he's always looking for another penis...

Jim Cantore's Ears Are Kindy Pointy

(while watching tornado coverage on The Weather Channel)

MOM: This is the Weather Channel? I thought you were watching science fiction.

ME: Why?

MOM: 'TorCon'? That sounds like Vulcan.

Anything Else Is Just Gravy

ME: Well, [the doctor] said you'd be perky [after taking her new medication].

MOM: TURKEY?

ME: PERKY. Will you put in your damned hearing aids already! Why would you be a 'turkey'?

MOM: I don't know.

Arms Wide Open

NEWS V.O.: Tonight on 12 News... Police may have captured the flasher in Tempe that has been exposing himself to women...

MOM: Rats. I haven't seen him yet.

Rerun, She Watched

MOM: Ooh! [So-and-so]! I haven't seen him in eons!

ME: Well, he's been dead for 16 years. He hasn't had much to say.

MOM: Really?

ME: Mom, these aren't *new* episodes of "Murder, She Wrote."

Special Guest Star

ME: So who got fired on "The Apprentice"?

MOM: Well, they killed Osama bin Laden...

ME: What? Damn, that show is getting harder.

Political Correction

MOM: Oh that's right! They wouldn't be 'African-American' if they were European!

Objects in the Mirror

MOM: (watching TV commercial) I've never seen bras like that in a store... not at THAT size...

Orthodontia Anglia

ME: Such weird looking people in this movie.

MOM: They're English.

Stunning

FAMILY FEUD HOST: What does a mugger hope you don't have?

MOM: A phaser!

Reach Out but Don't Touch Me

(After giving me her theory as to why Arnold and Maria split up...)

ME: Well, did you talk to Maria today?

MOM: No, she wouldn't take my calls.

Absolutely.

MOM: This is the way we are. It happens to be FABULOUS. But this is the way we are.

The Newlywed Game

CARNIE WILSON: If you were a caricaturist, which part of your husband's body would you exaggerate?

WIFE: His feet. They are big enough to be flippers.

CARNIE WILSON: That's not always a bad thing, if you know what I mean! (audience laughter) Do you know what I mean?

WIFE: [emphatic] OH yeah. (audience laughter)

MOM: Well, I don't know what they mean.

ME: I'll tell you when you're older.

Full-Bodied Conditioner

ME: (after watching 17 Again) That was better than I thought it would be. I've only ever seen Zac Efron in Hairspray.

MOM: They remade Hairspray?

ME: Yes.

MOM: [blank look]

ME: You remember. John Travolta played Edna.

MOM: Oh, that's right. I thought you meant Shampoo.

Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I made it out of clay...

Watching GSN commercial for some dreidel record.

MOM: That was something that never really took off.

ME: What didn't?

MOM: Dreidels.

ME: What do you mean? They've been playing it for hundreds of years.

MOM: Really?

ME: We're just not Jewish.

MOM: Oh.

Bad Arnold! Bad! Bad! Bad!

MOM: The more I think about it, the more I want to slap that Arnold!

ME: Arnold? Who's Arnold?

MOM: Schwarzenegger!

Is that a Winkie in your pocket?

ME: Did I ever tell you about [my friend named] Winkie?

MOM: Yes, I think so. I think I had a winkie story, too. I am pretty sure we shared winkies.